"Jesus was a lover, Not a fighter."

"Jesus was a lover, not a fighter, i'm not going to fight you."
A while ago i heard a friend say this and at the time it just clicked to me, if jesus would have fought back, and history would have been different. it would have shown that oppression is okay. Jesus would have been setting the example for using your power against people, that fighting and war was good. Now i see that history was always meant to happen like that, and its' best that it did. So For some reason this phrase just meant so much to me. i thought i'd share it.

i'm the ground and i'm soaking up the puddles

you know how when you go to a convention or a meeting and you leave with a different mindset? and then 2 days later you wake up and its like it never happened, and you're the same as you've always been.

well thats what usually happens to me, thats what happens with inspiration, but when its forgotten..you're back to square one. Except for now.

There was no convention i went to lately. I've been doing everything almost the same as always. But i've been reading, thought provoking books, and fyi books take time to read, multiple days,you have to digest books, think about them, they stay on your mind till after you've turned off the light. I read, Jesus Wants to Save Christians, by Rob Bell. And i read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, Now I'm reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell and First Things First. And these books they fill my mind with questions, i feel like there is a slow change going on.

My mind is slowly altering its thoughts, i can't focus so much on daydreams and petty plans anymore. I can't. Instead i'm thinking, what if. What if i spoke up today. What if i Did something extreme and out of character, what if i took a challange no one expects. What if i did something totally cool and started something brand new, that has a huge impact on so many. And then How? How will i make a miracle? How do i teach someone without selling them Jesus like he's a commodity. How do I live my life like no ones watching. And still know that they are out of the corners of their eyes.

I hate earthquake changes. Dramatic changes. But a slow change like the groud soaking up puddles. Right now i'm the ground. and i'm taking in the information of a puddle. I'm learning all this and its nourishing me. Its changing my dead grass to green, its giving a whole new season of life to me. Its amazing. I love this feeling. I'm the ground and there is a flood of puddles to take in in this life. And i can't wait for the days to make these slow changes.

I'm the ground and i'm soaking up the puddles.

His Best Piece

I was standing in the back of the auditorium, listening to the Grano brothers perform a piece they wrote, for Tigers Roar. I had 2 days to write a new speech, and they were my inspiration, i had to add in imagination, but i hope you like it, my new speech.

some musiians pull you in so deep
you feel intoxicated in familiarity
you wish you could share their talents and join them on stage
you watch them as i watch him in his best piece

he presses his fingers to the strings
he starts a tempo in his hands
he counts off in his head
then his magic spreads

sound fills the air
he plucks, the steel viberates
his hands strums the string
sweet music begins for me

my mind is soaring ignoring everything else
as i watch him play more and more
the melodies runing and falling
the harmonies dancing above in the air i'm breathing

his music is special
its flowing inside him like the blood in his viens
its branded in his memory
so beautiful, the music he's making

i listen to the rhythm of my pulse
follows the beat of his feet, it does
carrying his strumming hands
making it all flow smoothly

the notes that fill the air
paint pictures in my mind
dancing on a stage, sining in the rain
the guitar is leading, leading the way

the sweet polyphonic rhythms picks up tempo
a more complicated tab ours out of his soul
his fingers are flying between frets
up tuning, down tuning, still he keeps steady

the symphonic sounds of the six strings
more complex to me than it seems
i'm in awe of the music
the magic his fingertips bring

the beauty that coats the crisp air
putting glory into what was previously empty
if only i could keep this in me like the air i'm breathing
then i could fly like i had wings

i'd fly through a staff of music notes
like i'd press the piano keys
my voice would soar in perfect pitch
beauty would live in my fingertips

but i can't capture his magic
its wrapped in his heart
stronger than his mindset
which makes his music perfect

with increddible accuracy, he never misses anything
playing with intensity, unknown to many
i don't even know if he can tell i'm watching
following every graceful movement he's making

he never hesitates, keeps away from syncopation
dynamics are changing...
he lifts his head away from the guitar he's holding
eyes closed, relaxed as can be

his emotions are hidden well
but i know him, he glances out
a smile edging on his lips
pure bliss reflecting in the blue of his eyes

he looks away to his fleeting fingers
now simple strokes and easy beats
replace the overwhelmingly graceful complexity
my awe is in the honey sweet simplicity

the tempo seems to slow
it leaves my heart beating quickly
i wish i could avoid the ending
i'm so afraid to interupt but i want to ask him to keep playing

i know he'd play till his fingers start bleeding
till his muscles are raw and rigid
he'd play till every drop of passion was poured out of him
thill his guitar strings were broken and frayed

he's composing this piece

as if he were writing the story of a life
with every crooked path and uphill battle
every bittersweet loving movement his music is the life he's living

i feel its the finale
the last pulling of the strings
the sound is so quiet my ears are softly straining

to take in every ping of the strings
imprint it on my memory
let it constantly flow through me
and never have an ending

i close my eyes to keep this going
i hear the last viberation of each guitar string
he's brought the sound back to perfect tunning
and in the quiet is one more melodious strumming

what fills the silence is his slow breathing
and the sounds that echo in my memory
i open my eyes
and i know his song was for me

learning more.

i've been learning a lot of really interesting things lately my mind is soaring in information. sadly most of it is not learned in school. but i would like to share the stuff thats stuck in my thoughts.

ryah, ahava, dode.
3 greek words, all meaning some kind of love. different kind of love.
ryah. friendly love, the way you care about your teamates, friends, distant family.
ahava. a liitle deeper, they way you love your parents, your boyfriend, a connected love.
dode. passionate love, die for your lover, marraige, deep bounding love.

its pretty incredible i think, the greek language has 3 words for love, the hebrew language has 8. and english has one. to us we can love sports, love music, love books, love friends, love fiances all with one word, its up to us how to interperit it. love.

another thing is the human exodus. Exodus like the book in the bible, but also the human struggle between right and wrong. i have never thought much of God leading the isralites out of egypt to the promise land, but i learned that this happens over and over again, in egypt the isrealites were oppressed by pharoah. then when they escape that, the remember what its like to be slaves and be hurting and needing, the people helped each other, everyone was equal. David became king, and they lived well. a queen came to visit and she was amazed at the wealth of the people because there was no oppression. Later davids son became king, and thought that town needed more, bigger and better, so he gets slaves, builds a big palace, temple. and he becomes the oppressor. This pattern continues throught the history of the earth, the oppressed saved by God, become the oppressor. The human Exodus will never end, there will always be oppressers because the oppressed over time forget, they are desperate for power and military ego. Convicting. Jesus Wants to Save Christians - Rob Bell, Don Golden.

To help people, the biggest thing you can say is, "Me too." i read this story about the Navy SEALS. The seals trained for a huge rescue. they were rescuing a group of people who were captured by a war drivin country. They arrive in this helocopter. Dressed in helmets, vests, weapons, equiptment. They said to the scared captured people, huddled in a corner. "WE are americans we are here to rescue you and take you home." The captured people, were afraid they they thought the americans were their violent captureres, they wouldn't move. The seals were not prepared for that. they didn't know what to do. One of the seals takes off his helmet, sets down his weapons, takes off his amo vest, and goes to sit among the scared. he puts his arms around them, and holds them. a capturer wouldn't do that. Soon he stands, and says "who will follow me". A man stands, slowly the whole group stands, and they are rescued.
see to help the weak, you need to become weak, to help the hungry you need to know what hunger is. This is what Jesus did when he was on earth, he was vulnerable, he was weak and broken, he was what the people were, and they followed him. i never really thought of it like that. I guess i thought that i needed to be more, better, have more to give, to help other people. but weak, hungry and broken people don't relate to wealthy, happy, and confident. I realized that you need to be vulnerable. you need to, let people see who you are, that you are weak, that you can be disappointed, they need to see that, they need to see your human and struggle, then they relate, then they believe. interesting? Blue Like Jazz - Donald Miller

So my mind is realing, i now its a lot of God talk, and a lot of people think that christianity is some cult, because of all the wrong that has happened in the world by people who claim to be christian. I want to say i'm sorry for that. What they did was wrong, the oppression they commited was not right in God;s name. Its not right. I'm sorry for all that. forgive me.

love is waiting

oh lovely.

its in God's hands, you can't rush love, if its meant to be God will make it happen. I honestly believe that.

A friend told me, don't chase the boy, he'll come to you. So i'm ready to wait. No worries, there's someone special for me somewhere, and someday.....

i'm not to worried. i just wanted to say don't rush it.

i'll be waiting for you baby
i'll be holding back the darkest night
love is waiting till we're ready
till its right

Love is waiting.

Brooke Fraser - Love is Waiting

Grandpa... I love you

my life is easy. This week was hard.

Last sunday my grandpa had a minor stroke in church, he temporary lost movement in his right side. Church was probably the best place for in to happen, he had the whole congregation praying for him. Then He was ambulanced to the emergancy room in AL. He had an incredible recovery and he was perfectly fine, but they decided to send him to rochester, just to be safe...

When he got there they did an MRI test and discovered his left coratid artery was 95-99% blocked, wow, if they would have choose to give him a artery clearing shot in AL the clot would have been pushed into his brain and he would be brain dead now, thank God they didn't do that. Anyways they decided to have a surgery to clean out the artery ( its in his neck) and it was a simple no risk go home on the same day thing. Never would we have guessed in the 5% chance that he would have another stroke that in would happen. It did.

He had a another major stroke last monday. I visited him in Intensive Care on wednesday, I was worried he wouldn't be the same, and in a way he is. He still has his personality and he makes the greatest expressions. Even though thats a good thing, HE has no movement in his right arm, and his right side of his face, he can only say yes and no, shake his head, and mumble un understandible things. This is hard. His mind is clear and he understands us generally, but we can't understand him, and he gets so frusterated he almost cries. This breaks my heart.

My Grandpa and i are close. I grew up hanging at his house, making rootbeer floats, watching western movies and mowing the yard together. He is important to me, i love him so much and seeing him hurt, hurts.

This part of life is hard, seeing you're loved ones so hurt, and then seeing them so moved with sympathy for each other. My family is not a family to grow closer through a tradgedy like this, because we are so close already, i have the closest extended family i know of and that won't change.

My Grandpa and Grandma are in my prayers i hope they're in yours too. Even though my grandma isn;t the injured one, she's as strong as you could imagine, when the whole church was shaken, she sat there holding her husbands hand, calm and compossed giving the room grace. Everyone looked to her, and knew it will be ok. I can only hope to be like her, but i can;t even dream of being like the woman she is.

I'm shaken and i'm not as strong as i seem. Sitting here in a waiting room at Mayo Hospital, my grandpa struggleing to cough down the hall, and knowing i can't help him. Seeing the toughest man, who has a pain tolarance for so much cry, thats hard.

Most people say that will never happen to me, but if it did will you be ready?

My life is easy, my grandparents lives are hard, and i'm gratefull that God is keeping them safe. They are two amazing people, consistant on leaning on each other for hope, love and faith, i can only wish to find a love like theirs. They took the whole "in sickness and health" to a new level. I wish the best for them and for hope and a full recovery to Grandpa, and unconditional strength to my grandma.

I love them so much, they mean so much to me. They make part of who i am.

Sometimes we hit a rough patch, but we can't give up because we're going to make it through it, undoubtably.

and grandpa, no matter what, i love you.

you are my sunshine

"you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much i love you, you make my grey skies go away."

So there is a special person and i swear she is a sunshineto so many. She can tell when something is wrong, for somebody else, and so she asks them how they are and if she can help. I think that makes her a special person, its not usually hard to tell if somebody's having a bad day, but it is a hard thing to ask them about it. it shouldn't be, but if they're not your best friend, it provides a huge challenge.

She also is one of those generally happy people who smile all the time, but not in an obnoxious way, she has a happy balance, and just make you feel good to be around. She is the person you see and wish you were her friend.

Lucky for me i am her friend, and lucky for you, you probably are to- because she has a HEART of GOLD and seems to overflow with love for EVERYONE.

so here's to Ashley P. Everybody's sunshine. :)

i believe in...

so you know how when your a kid and you believe in santa and fairy tales, you believe you're a princess and you think that you dad is the coolest person in the whole world?

well now i believe something a little deeper. i believe in God, and his undoubting love for the world. i believe its the only thing worth living for, and i believe that the coolest thing i could ever do would be to bring others to belive in God.

so coming up soon we have to register for our junior year classes, and so i'm choosing all these AP, colledge in high school classes. and it got me thinking, what am i going to do in my life that i need all these classes for. like why on earth do i need to take pre-calc, if i probably don't need it for my career.

this got me thinking on what i actually want to do. i kind of have the masters commision idea nailed to my permanant memory. and at masters commision you get your "liscense to preach" in just 3 years without attending college, plus you can get a "minor/track" in worship ministry, buisness, elementary education, whatever.

i belive that you can't just choose to be a minister, i kind of think you should be called to it. I don't know how this would exactly happen, but long story short, i'm pretty set on being a pastor and be involved in music ministry.

so overall unless God leads me somewhere else, i honestly think in 3 years you'll find me a first year in the rockford masters commision. which is where i truely want to be.

so do i really need pre-calc? i'm pretty sure i don't need it, but i betcha i'll be taking it.

like my youth pastors series, "DO HARD THINGS" i would say CIS classes are hard, but i'll take the challenge and i'll take them, and maybe someday they'll help me with whatever i do. (RMC)

crashing into a brick building

i think everybody has a moment when they look at themselves and say wow, i messed up alot, i don't know what i was thinking, why did i say that, and i don't know what to do.

i have expierinced this moment this week. it has humbled me. you know when you make a mistake and then more and more mistakes follow. and you'd practically do anything to fix them, as long as they'd stop.

and its hard. its like putting a bat on your forehead and spinning 10 times, then when your told to go! you start running but misjudge you're steps and crash into the corner of a brick building. after this happens you don't want to just get up and keep going, you put your head in your hands and think why did i just do that, it was so stupid i wish i could have a re-do.

my mitakes, i can live through them, but when i start thinking, what i do does kind of make a difference to other people. just like the way i'm affected when somebody i care about does something they'd regret. it honestly hurts me. and i start wishing i could have helped, maybe if i would have said something i could have prevented it. but i do nothing.

so i'm stuck in this circle, hoping to get out soon. and i see a light at the end of a tunnel. somebody taking my hand and sticking a band aid to my forehead where i scraped it on the brick building.

i know i can never take back what i've ever done, and even if i do learn from it. nothing will ever be the same. if you get a second chance you're lucky. so i'm gonna try not to screw it up. as long as i do have this possible chance, i want to make the best of it.

i wanna stay out of the way of brick buildings.

the ROCK project

So my dad came up with an idea.
He is on the rock board. if you're not from around here, The Rock is a place where kids can just go to hang out, play games, be together. I think every kid in town has been there at least once. The owners are incredible christian people. And the whole thing is non-profit.

but anyways last september, my parents were at the rock banquet. Its an anual thing, and they were sitting with a couple from my church, rick and patty. But my dad just said, its sad that they have to kick the kids out at 5pm, i want to start a program were kids and their families can stay until like 9, and i want them to have a hot meal to eat for free. or something like that. and patty went all off and agreed and they talked to the owners, which totally agreed.

its on the last friday of every month. last week they anounced their plan to church, pretty much everybody is involved. I was sitting with all the teenagers and we decided that we would do something. My dad wanted the youth group to be really involved, robin the owner told dad and patty and my mom, that the closer to the kids ages that you are the more they relate to you and the more you can help them.

Later at home, i told dad that the girls wanted to be involved. he said, "see you don't need to go away to do masters commision you can do it right here! haha"

we decided that we would do a human video, and so on wednesday i had a sleepover and all the girls came over and we planned one. It is going to be so cool. We worked really hard to relate it to the rock kids and i'm so excited. i planned to say what song we were going to do it to, but i decided not to because it should be a surprise, the girls even refuse to tell kyle what we're doing cause we want to do something with out his advice.

It will be so cool. i hope everything turns out fantastic and we can maybe change a life. :)

an excellent father

David tenford Sanderson.
I have something i know a lot of other people don't have. I'm not bragging i'm just appreciating it. It is a father, a dad who is there.

a good parent. The definition is different to most kids. To me its them teaching me to be the best i can. Learning, is the most i can do from them, i mean they taught me how to walk, talk, eat, sing, smile, give thanks, set goals, drive, and love. i just listen and as much as i want to ignore their advice, and their discouragement, i take it.

But my dad. I learn so much from him and what he does. i'm not as stubborn as him or a perfectionist, either, i'm not like him, but still i learn from our similarities and differences. I think i'm as laid back as i am because he is a perfectionist.

I wish i could share my dad, with everyone who doesn't have one, i wish that they could expierience, what its like. to have a dad that loves you and teaches you and trusts you with most everything. I wish that everybody had memories like me, like catching fish in the rain, sitting in the boat for hours and laughing still. Or once i designed a loft bed and i saved money to buy lumber and we spent hours building it, painting it, assembling it. I eventually had to take it out of my room and he ended up cutting it up so he could build a stand for his topper. I was sad. But thats ok i don't think i would have been able to use it again anyway.

or i always love to think of my dad, and we're on a camping trip riding in our big white ford, with the 5th wheel and boat behind or in the winter a snowmobile trailer, the whole family smiling and laughing because my dad is singing at the top of his lungs to a country song on the radio, practically dacing while driving.

he is so special to me, well my whole family is special to me. but i've always really appreciated having a fantastic dad.

I hope everyone has a chance to feel what i feel everyday, when they look at their own dads.

a missions trip to mexico

so this week a friend told me that if you sleep with socks on you dream more. now that type of thing i usually wouldn't believe, but this week i wore socks to bed every night except one and that night i didn't dream at all. isn't that wierd?

i have really strange dreams though of the ones i remember from this week there is only one that wasn't scary and didn't involve anything dangerous.

In my dream i get up on a summer morning and i am like bursting with excitement. I look around and the girls from my missions trip team from last summer are sleeping over at my house. I live really close to my church so the boys were staying there, because the rest of the team lives like 4.5 hours north, they stayed over at my house for the last night in minnesota, before going on our missions trip to MEXICO!

So i get up and open my window to my room, and the boys and amos and andrew the youth pastors are walking down the street to my house, because my parents and the AL kids parents are making breakfast for us. It smells so good. I threw on a tank top and shorts throw my hair in a pony( because i had grown my hair out) and leave the room, leaving the other sophmore girls sleeping. All the parents are buzzing around, cooking eggs and toast and cutting fruit. The doors to my deck are open and My dad is talking to the guys outside on the driveway. The sun is shining and its so warm. I smile and say hi to everybody.

Its so nice to be with everybody again. Nikki, taylor doyle, amanda, ashlyn, courtney and ahna and traci who even came back for the trip, and daniel are all sitting on the deck eating, cause they stayed at their own houses last night. i decide i should probably wake up the rest of the girls so i do, tera, aryn, megan, brianna, mary, renee, melody and laura, sonja and jodi, all lay there a while longer. I go outside to eat. when kyle and donna arrive, I am overwhelmed with joy to be with everybody again, it feels so right.

then you fast forrward in the way that dreams do. And i'm in one of the 15 passanger vans. my head resting on jordans, shoulder, ashlyn's legs across lap. my the sun pouring in on my face. we had been driving for 28 hours and were in southern texas. We have U2 cd playing and i listen to andrew and kyle talking. Matt and ashlyn giggling. I see aryn sleeping on the floor. Jordan and Cody, are drawing FOX signs on their arms. Its so peaceful, the warm stickness every thing is just right. I laugh with tera as she tells me about a comedy play she was in last year.


If you ever had a non related family i don't think they were any closer than we are. After being away from each other for a whole year, we had a lot to catch up on and we talked the first 10 hours straight. This is almost better than the milwaukee missions trip, because we're so close. I think i'm more of myself with this group than with any other group. i've never tried to hide anything from them because i've always thought that they would be with me through the hardest things i ever do, anything we do. and they were.
and then of course the whole van bursting into laughter at one of kyle's incredibly lame jokes, and me imagining and anticipating all the cool things we might do and the cool things we'll see, the people we meet, my excitement is growing, i look out the window and see MEXICO BORDER 40 MILES.


and.. my alarm clock goes off.

This is pretty much most of my dream, i dream in huge detail, and i wish that this one came true, because honestly nobody has said anything about going to mexico. and i didn't realize that i wasn't going on this missions trip till after i got ready for school.

its amazing what your unconcious mind can dream up. i wish i could play it over like a movie. or something, but i guess thats one of the cool things about dreams, you usually only have the good ones once.